painting

Coming Out at the Last Supper

jstueartLeave a comment

Fifteen years ago, 2009, I came out to my evangelical Baptist church in Whitehorse, Yukon, over Easter week. My last official duties as the Deacon of Worship were to lead the Maundy Thursday service—but I didn’t know they were my “last.” I wrote a poem called “Nobody called it the Last Supper” and read it during the service. I can’t find the poem right now, but the gist of it was that no one knows when the Last of anything will happen. The consequences of our actions, our revelations, may disrupt the future of Suppers with those we love. Mine did. THEN it becomes the “last” in retrospect.

I wanted to commemorate this anniversary (though it moves around according to the moon) by creating a painting of the last supper, but with the chaos that is implied in the Da Vinci painting, and the chaos that happened when I came out to each family at my church individually over dinner during Holy Week back in 2009.

Nothing is the same after that dinner for Jesus— Judas runs off to betray him; Jesus is arrested, tried, convicted, sentenced, murdered.

Nothing was the same for me either. There was a lot of tears. People were sad, angry, and felt betrayed. Forgive me, but I placed myself as Jesus in this painting—this is “Coming Out at the Last Supper.” Not to say I am a savior. But my Holy Week of 2009 followed his week a little too closely. I understand a small part of his journey during that week. But I also think many LGBTQ folks might resonate with this as many of us experience the chaos of coming out to those you love. And especially if you are my age–the chances of you having had a difficult, explosive coming out are very high. It is still not completely safe for many queer and trans folks to come out to their families today–no matter their age.

The Bible’s account of this night has Jesus desperately trying to tell them what was about to happen, but disciples didn’t quite get the metaphor— and then arrest, etc, etc. But Jesus had been trying for some time to come out to his friends and disciples, not as queer, but as the Son of God. Some of them “got it”— others only got it after he came back from the dead.

There is a family on the right of the painting that pulls me in, and I suppose this could go both ways: Perhaps the mom is using “me” as an example of what her kid better not become, and the queer kid is covering their ears for safety. Though, it could be that the mom is trying to help her kid come out… but that is NOT what happened in 2009 and not what I was thinking as I painted it. (But, I will note that it is what happens today—when I hear from former church members who have left that church– they tell me that my coming out, as raucous as it was, helped prepare them for their own child’s coming out and they DO point to me as a way of understanding their own child’s moment. And the moment is not chaos— it is full of love. And I am so thankful for that.)

Wine is spilled. People argue with you. Some mock you and make sure that they are louder than you—so their message of non-acceptance is heard first. Some push you away, or push away the image of you. Some walk away with their wine to think about it. Some clutch each other because they feel betrayed and hurt. Some are just shocked. Okay, 2009-shocked. Maybe people aren’t shocked as much in 2024. But an evangelical church family might be just as shocked as they always have been. Building up a prejudice or a fear or hate can make coming out destructive for them— they’ve built a wall and connected it to their faith, to God, and so coming out isn’t just a word— it is a demolition. Their faith feels like a structure that is about to come down. So, shocked may still be the right word. Especially if some American politicians and pastors help reinforce that faulty structure, strengthen that wall.

Keep the LGBTQ people you know (and those you don’t) in your prayers as they have suppers every day, with their families, with their church families, as they weigh their options, thinking maybe this supper is the one they’ll come out.

Happy Maundy Thursday, Happy Easter, my friends. I love you.

I didn’t know how this painting would come out last night— it had me worried. But I love it now.

I didn’t know how coming out would go— it had me worried. But I am so glad I did it now.

Fifteen years has proved it was the best decision I could have made. I now have a wonderful welcoming and affirming Baptist church that I am active in, with people who love me for who I am, and all that I am. I am so glad I kept my faith and found other churches.*

“Coming Out at the Last Supper,” 24 x 36, acrylic on canvas, available.

* The great church that took me in when I didn’t know where to go: Whitehorse United Church with Bev Brazier as pastor. The church I am in now, First Baptist Church of Dayton ,with Kent Berghuis and Jason Alspaugh and Dave Coggins as pastors, sustains me.

Why Pilgrimages Can Be Good For Us: My Pilgrimage to the Brandywine Museum of Art

jstueartLeave a comment
Me geeking out at the NC Wyeth Exhibit at Brandywine Museum in Chadd’s Ford, PA.

I have been a big admirer of the works of NC Wyeth for a long time. You might remember his illustrations from your favorite classic YA adventure novels (now assigned texts in college 19th Century and turn of the century literature classes), books like Treasure Island, Robinson Crusoe, Last of the Mohicans, A Boy’s King Arthur, Kidnapped, The Yearling, Robin Hood, The Deerslayer, etc. Very popular books in the early 20th Century with themes and storylines still made into movies today.

I loved his style! BIG color, lots of drama, action, adventure, stunning landscapes. I wished I could paint like that ever since I saw my first Wyeth up close at Texas Tech University. But I was a cartoonist at the time, and an occasional portrait artist, and I was working towards a PhD in Creative Writing. I wasn’t thinking of myself as an Artist, nor was I think of myself as an Artist who was going to study Wyeth.

As a gay man, growing up so Other from other boys, I had a peculiar relationship with the World of Boys and Men (which I will write about more in a later post) and that was a world that belonged to Wyeth as well. I had felt excluded for a long time from that world, and made up for it by being in other worlds. But I lingered outside the borders often and looked in at Things Which Were Not For Me.

So I pursued writing and teaching as a career, making art wait.

But in the last few years, my teaching situation changed, and it was difficult to find work as an adjunct teacher. I also continued to almost make it in the job market for tenure track positions. So i decided to make a change in my life–to build my art career–because I needed the money, a new source of income, and my art had waited long enough.

Continue reading →

To Take Their Breath Away

jstueartLeave a comment
To Take Their Breath Away (Spiritus Eorum Auferte), 36 x 48 acrylic.

It is difficult to know how to address the current situation, how to speak out against the police violence and purposeful escalation of violent action against peaceful protesters, angry protesters, and protesters in the street speaking out against police brutality. They are often met with police brutality.

I’ve watched too many videos where police drag a protester into the middle or catch one on the side and physically assault them while they are “arresting” them. All the other officers crowd around the officer beating someone to make sure no one else interferes. They all cover each other.

It’s protected assault.

Officers have “qualified immunity” from work related violence that they do as part of their job. If they can say they needed to do it, then they can do it. They never have to be held criminally liable. Oh they MAY get fired, but then transferred to a new precinct, a new city, ready to start the abuse over again.

The Blue Code, the Blue Shield, Blue wall of silence, or other names, is an unwritten code of conduct that police officers buy into—protecting each other’s abusive or illegal activity. Even if they go in with the best of intentions, they will end up following the code and not turning in other officers, not speaking out, for fear of what might happen to them.

Continue reading →

Columbus, Ohio, the Night After George Floyd was murdered, 2020.

jstueartLeave a comment
“Columbus, OH, the Night After George Floyd was Murdered, 2020,” acrylic on canvas, 36 x 48.

This was written a few nights after the event happened in 2020. It’s pretty raw, looking back at it 3 years later, but I’m going to leave it raw. Anything else wouldn’t be honest. (5/17/2023)

___________________

#BlackLivesMatter— At the end of my statement there are Columbus area black artists to follow, and a long list of video links to the Columbus Police using violence on Peaceful Protesters. #WeBearWitness

___________________

Still frame from video footage taken by Bryan Battle, Jr. of the incident. You can find the footage here.
Nine seconds before. Same footage by Bryan Battle Jr. available here.

_______________


Normally I do joyful paintings about queer heroes and monsters, about large hairy men in love, or portraits of friends and family, but last Friday, protests for racial justice began in Columbus, Ohio during a worldwide pandemic. The combination of these two things prevented me from participating in the protest, as I’m immuno-compromised and over 50, overweight, etc. And so, like for the last two and a half months, I was sheltering in place but watching the videos of my friends and fellow Columbus-residents as their peaceful protests were met with violent, overreactive police retribution. They were sprayed, gassed, shot at, beaten, arrested during a peaceful protest meant to highlight the problem with police brutality. Well, nothing highlights police brutality like more police brutality.

For one protester who made a video, there was a moment all the violence started: when a police officer socked a protester. When the protesters objected to being assaulted by shouting, they were all sprayed with pepper spray. (Bryan Battle Jr video is also linked below)

Video after video surface from the #columbusprotest showing the Columbus Police using excessive force and assaulting citizens of Columbus (whose taxes pay for police and whose right it is to protest injustice–and whose taxes pay out the settlements in law suits made against the police.)

Infuriated by the videos and my inability to be there to support the movement, I did what I could. I took a screenshot of the video and created this painting.  

Continue reading →